Many people are familiar with their inner critic, that internal voice quick to point out what we’ve done wrong or how we could do better. But is this voice something we should listen to? Some people rely on their inner critic to give them a competitive edge and motivate them to succeed, while others wish to silence it completely. So, what purpose does it truly serve?
As a new mother, I found myself reflecting on this often. When Isla, my newborn, cried (which happened a lot), I constantly wondered what I was doing wrong. I set the bar high, which opened the doorway for my inner critic to run riot. Breastfeeding was particularly challenging, and as Isla’s frustration grew alongside my exhaustion, I felt like I was failing. Instead of the blissful time I had imagined, those early days were a struggle, filled with thoughts that I was not good enough. I wanted to be a good mother, a loving partner, and, when I returned to work, a competent professional. But managing all these roles felt impossible, and my inner critic only made things worse.
The Stress Response
The inner critic can be both helpful and harmful. It can act as an alarm, sometimes alerting us to real issues, but it often exaggerates or fabricates threats. In my case, the voice telling me I was not a good mother was not based on reality—it was an imagined threat. I wasn’t a "bad" mother—I was a new one, navigating uncharted territory while trying to care for both myself and my daughter.
When we feel threatened, by real or imagined dangers, our stress response kicks in, triggering fight, flight, or freeze. This system is vital for survival, but when a threat is generated internally by our inner critic, it can lead to burnout, anxiety, and excessive self-judgment. This pattern plays out across all areas of life, whether in parenting, work, or other personal struggles.
Paul Gilbert’s 3 Emotional Systems: Threat, Drive, and Soothing
Psychologist Paul Gilbert explains that we operate within three emotional systems: the threat system, the drive system, and the soothing system. Each has a distinct purpose, and finding balance among them is key to well-being:
Threat System: This is where the fight, flight, or freeze response lives, activated when we perceive danger, real or imagined. The inner critic is often tied to the threat system, sounding alarms even when there’s no true danger.
Drive System: This system motivates us to achieve, succeed, and pursue our goals. While positive, it can fuel perfectionism and amplify the inner critic when we feel we’re falling short.
Soothing System: The soothing system brings balance, promoting feelings of safety, contentment, and connection. Practices like mindfulness and self-compassion engage this system, helping to calm our threat response.
During those early days of motherhood, my threat system was in overdrive. I was constantly on alert, trying to fix everything and blaming myself when things didn’t go as planned. My drive system also kicked in, pushing me to be the "perfect" mum. Vulnerability, sleep deprivation, and hormonal changes made the self-criticism even louder. That was when I needed my soothing system most—the part of me that needed rest, comfort, and validation.
A Mindful, Compassionate Response
Mindfulness creates emotional space between ourselves and our harsh thoughts, and self-compassion fills that space with kindness. By stepping back and observing the inner critic, we create distance from reactive emotions that keep us stuck in destructive thought patterns. Instead of thinking “I’m failing,” we might notice, “I’m having the thought that I’m failing.” This subtle shift brings clarity and allows for a more compassionate response. We are then more likely to recognize that many people experience self-doubt and criticism, and we all deserve kindness—especially when we’re struggling.
When I was at my lowest, I didn’t try to silence my inner critic. Instead, I acknowledged the thoughts, validated my feelings, and called upon my compassionate inner voice. I reminded myself, “You’ve been through so much. Life is hard right now, and you’re doing the best you can.” This shift didn’t make the challenges disappear, but it allowed me to relate to myself and my experience with grace, kindness and patience rather than harsh judgment. I also realized I was connected to mothers around the world who were struggling just like me, trying to find their way. It gave me the strength I needed to ask for help and I received it in abundance. Other mums I knew leaped to my aid and were only too keen to reassure me I definitely was not alone!
Inner Critic: Friend or Foe?
Our inner dialogue matters. As the saying goes, “Be careful what you say to yourself, because you are listening!” On one hand, your inner critic can be a helpful guide, like a supportive coach who encourages you by saying, “I see you’re struggling, but let’s find a solution together.” This approach fosters learning and growth. Conversely, a harsh, unforgiving coach might yell, “Why can’t you get this right? You’re such a loser!”— creating fear and self-doubt, making it harder to move forward. Both the tone and the words themselves affect our motivation and self-worth.
When we turn toward our inner critic with curiosity and kindness, we can begin to see how it might be trying to protect us—from failure, rejection, or even shame. Sometimes, it masks deeper pain or reinforces long-held negative beliefs. Other times, it may echo the voice of someone from our past, a figure who caused harm (even if unintentionally). By shining a light on our inner critic and approaching it with compassion, we can understand it and meet it in a healthier way.
Moving Towards Compassion
Our inner critic has had plenty of practice, and shifting towards a more compassionate inner dialogue can feel unfamiliar, or even unsafe at first. While this critical voice may point to real concerns that need attention, it’s important to challenge its accuracy and not allow it to define who we are. By shining a light on self-criticism through mindfulness and compassion, we can transform it into something more supportive—aligned with the way we truly wish to treat ourselves.
As I navigated my own inner critic, I began to understand its deeper intention. Instead of being burdened by the thought that I was not a good mother, I embraced the possibility that perhaps I already was one.
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